Voicemail Greetings From The Edge

Monday: You've reached xxx-xxxx. It's Monday, which means that Sunday and its attendant melancholy is temporarily behind me. Please leave offers of employment, notification of winning raffle tickets, or the lyrics to The Boomtown Rats song "I Don't Like Mondays" after the tone.

Tuesday: Hi, this is (SHP). I'm either at a café reading old literary journals, at a matinee screening of a film that scored at least a 75% "fresh" rating on rottentomatoes.com, walking around Green Lake listening to my iPod, or buying groceries at the QFC/Bartell/Trader Joe's Axis. Please leave a message at the beep, and I'll try to get back to you within the next two hours.

Wednesday: Greetings, and thanks for leaving a voicemail instead of a text message or a pop-in at my apartment (I find the former too impersonal and the latter a bit too spontaneous). Today is what's known as "Hump Day" by the American workforce, and "just another day" by the rest of us. You know the drill: wait for the tone, and let me know what's up.

Thursday: Hello, how are you? Only a couple more workdays for many of you before your customary two-day break, so take heart if you're having a rough go of it at the office this week due to layoffs, declining wages, and increased worker productivity. Be thankful you have a job, and hold onto it as long as you can. Speak after the beep and I'll get back to you shortly.

Friday: This is xxx-xxxx. Please leave detailed instructions as to when and where this week's happy hour will take place. Otherwise...I'm not sure why else you'd be calling on a Friday, but state your business nonetheless and I may call you back tomorrow.

Saturday: It's (SHP), and if I'm not answering my phone, it may be because it's between 9 and Noon and I have headphones on, grooving to the finest dub, reggae, and dancehall courtesy of Kid Hops and his "Positive Vibrations" radio show on KEXP. My landlord is an acupuncturist and her office is directly below my apartment. She gets annoyed when I play loud music on Saturday mornings while she has patients, hence the headphones. Talk to you soon.

Sunday: Hi there, I can't take your call at the moment, because it’s Sunday and I’m doing my best to fill the day with a steady stream of activities, distractions, and soul-nurturing endeavors to keep the Sunday Blues at bay. If I'm having relative success in this project, there's a good chance I'll return your call sometime today. If not, then we may have to wait until Monday to talk. At any rate, please leave a message after the tone, and rest assured that your call is very important to me.